Act Your Age/Transcript
Part 1 (Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh are seated in front of a large pile of mail, after an image of Phineas and Ferb is shown) Dan Povenmire: Hey, I'm Dan. Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: And I'm Swampy. We're the co-creators of Phineas and Ferb. Dan Povenmire: The show that you're probably watching right now. Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: Hopefully. Dan Povenmire: We get letters from kids all over the world asking us questions about the show, that we... Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: No, that's not actually true. We don't get a lot of actual, physical "written on paper" letters... Dan Povenmire: No, no. That's true... That's true. Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: ...what we get is a lot of e-mails. Digital, electronic... Dan Povenmire: Yeah. Actually, all of the e-mails we've ever received fit on this flash drive right here. (He holds up a flash drive) But that's not as impressive as this... (Dan motions to the large pile of mail sitting behind them) Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: No, this stack of, of letters here is much more impressive. This is a prop, though made mostly of, uh, foam, fiberglass, that kind of thing. Dan Povenmire: Yeah. Not to say that we don't actually get letters from people. Physical letters. Ih-like, this one, for instance, from– from Becky. This is a question we get all the time. "Are we ever going to see Perry the Platypus get a girlfriend?" Dan and Swampy: No! Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: No, not gonna happen. Dan Povenmire: No. Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: Here's another one. This one is from, uh, Donny. Says: "Are we ever going to see Phineas and Ferb as teenagers?" Dan Povenmire: Yes. Yes, we are. Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: In fact, we're gonna see it right now. Dan Povenmire: This episode is set ten years in the future. So don't let it confuse you. Actually, uh, to avoid confusion, let's, uh, let's just synchronize our calendars right.... Dan and Swampy: Now! “Act Your Age” (Teenaged Phineas and Ferb are relaxing on their beds in their room.) Phineas: Ugh! I'm running out of time, Ferb. I gotta choose a school. Do I stay local or go abroad? Trade school? Art school? Come on, Ferb. Help me make a decision. Ferb: Get in the booth. (Phineas walks over to a booth which contains numerous college acceptance letters) Phineas: Oh, cool! All my college acceptance letters! I guess we're gonna let fate decide this one. (Ferb pushes a button which activates the booth, sending the letters flying around Phineas) Phineas: (He grabs one) Okay, Kjobstaad Academy. Uh, which one was that again? Ferb: Mmm...great physics department, Norway. Phineas: Hmm...Don't feel I'm ready for those cold winters. (Ferb activates the booth again) Phineas: Okay. Comedy Traffic School. Well, if it's fate... (Ferb pushes the button a third time.) Phineas: Yeah, things seemed a lot easier when we were young and waiting for our voices to drop. Baljeet: (in a deep voice) Hey, guys. (he coughs and returns to his normal voice) Oh! Something was caught in my throat. So, still trying to figure out where to go to school? Phineas: Workin' on it. Baljeet: I was just giving Buford some pointers on collegiate life. Since I've already graduated and have been accepted as a professor, I could pull some strings and get him into my school. Just think, Buford. You could be my student! I would be the boss of you! Buford: Don't get too excited. I'm goin' to film school. I'm concentratin' on tragedies. The story of a struggling orphan's transcendental search for meaning in a post-apocalyptic society. Baljeet: It sounds pretentious. Buford: Thank you. (he takes another bite out of his sandwich) Baljeet: So, Ferb, you're off to school in England? Phineas: Yeah. He's going to Camford on Oxbury. Heh heh! "Camford on Oxbury". It sounds like a wizard school. Ferb: It's not a wizard school. Well, there is some wizarding. Buford: Phineas, why don't you just go there? Baljeet: Or why not go where Candace goes to school? Phineas: Law school? I don't know. (At law school Candace is finishing her dissertation to a panel.) Candace: And that concludes my dissertation on modern investigative techniques for establishing proof of guilt with or without physical evidence. (The panel give her a standing ovation.) Male panelist: Spectacular! I've never had a student convince me of something so completely baseless before! Female panelist: Now I feel like busting someone. (Back inside Phineas and Ferb's bedroom) Phineas: Yeah, I don't know if Candace's school is the place for me. Forget the booth. I'm gonna go with my gut. (takes two envelopes) It's between these two: Danville U and Tri-State State. Both really good schools. Looks like I have some thinkin' to do. Buford: Hey, the epic struggle of a triangle-headed boy to choose between two schools. Baljeet: Pretentious alert. Buford: And again, thank you. (At the OWCA Headquarters a red light and alert go off, and a teenage Irving, now an OWCA intern, turns around to notice it. Irving dusts off the picture underneath the red light to reveal a picture of Doofenshmirtz.) Irving: (on the phone) Sir, it's the old Evil Scientist Alert System! It's showing -inator activity on a Doctor Dooferd–... (Carl, now much older and wearing a uniform and mustache much like Major Monogram did, cuts him off.) Commander Carl: Doofenshmirtz?! Great googly moogly! I though he'd given up his evil ways when we placed him as a high school science teacher. Well, it's too bad Monogram isn't around to see this. Irving: Well, sir, he's gone to a better place. Commander Carl: Yeah... (beat) Oh, what the heck? I'm gonna call him! (Carl dials the phone. Monogram, now retired and older, with a beard and a Hawaiian shirt is lounging on a beach.) Monogram: Monogram. Commander Carl: How've ya been, sir? Monogram: Carl! I'm great! Bora Bora really is a better place. How've ya been, man? Commander Carl: I've been well. Guess who's set off the -inator alert? Monogram: Doofenshmirtz? Commander Carl: Yeah. Monogram: Heh heh. Just like old times. Go tell him "hi" for me. Commander Carl: Of course. (Perry is busy enjoying his own retirement, when his watch goes off.) Commander Carl: Agent P... (Agent P picks up his bowling bag.) No, it's not bowling night! It's Doofenshmirtz. He's activated the -inator alert system. We think he may have returned to evil. (Perry gets a worried reaction, then puts on his fedora and jet pack. He blasts off of the tree in Phineas and Ferb's backyard that had been serving as his retirement location) (Phineas and the guys are in the kitchen.) Baljeet: So I hear Isabella is off to Tri-State State. Phineas: Oh, wow, really? Huh. Haven't seen much of her this summer. Buford: (looking in the fridge) Why do parents buy such weird food? Everything's 'lite', 'low', 'non', 'free', or 'diet'. Phineas: So she's...leaving? Baljeet: Yes. Huh, I always thought the two of you would end up together. Phineas: I wish. I am so in the friend zone there. Baljeet: You are kidding, right? You do know she had a giant crush on you for ages. Phineas: Uh...no... Buford: Oh, come on! It was so obvious! She came over to your house every day for eleven years just to see what you were doin'! Baljeet: When she looked at you, her pupils actually formed little hearts. Like, I do not know how that is physically possible. She changed her eyeballs! Phineas: We— I don't believe it. Ferb? (Ferb nods.) ''Well, why didn't you guys ever tell me? '''Baljeet': We are guys. We do not talk about feelings. (Buford shrugs in agreement) ..Did you see the new car Irving got? Buford: Could we eat yet? I'm starvin'. Phineas: Um, I'm sorry. I feel like my brain is broken. I-I gotta think. I'm gonna take a walk. (he leaves) See ya, guys. Baljeet: Hmm...maybe it is not too late. We should try to get them together. You know, before Isabella leaves for school. Buford: (after a beat) Yeah, all right. Doofenshmirtz Mmm-Mmm Incorporated! (A now grey-haired Doofenshmirtz is working on a contraption.) Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? Eh, is it Thursday already? Hmm, well, let me go get my shoes and my ball and then... Wait, where's your stuff? (Perry points to the -inator behind Doofenshmirtz.) Huh? Oh, no that's not evil, so, so I don't think it counts. Oh, wait a minute. Did I set off the -inator alert? Oh, that is so funny. Probably scared the heck out of Commander Carl, huh? Oh, well I-I know it can look intimidating, but there's no reason to be afraid. It isn't evil. It isn't even the -inator. The -inator is this gold chain. Once it's charged, I'm going to put it around my neck, and it will activate the insecurity parts of my brain and trigger a full-blown mid-life crisis. Allow me to explain in song. (Song: "Mid-Life Crisis") Doofenshmirtz: All my friends have spray-on tans, And they're gettin' back together with their old rock bands. Yes, their bland old lives are now filled with spices. They're havin' a mid-life crisis. They're all gettin' sports cars and new toupees, And borrowing against their IRAs. I've always had more than my share of vices, But I never had a mid-life crisis. I'm sick and tired of bein' out of the game. Everyone's so discontent. I wish I felt the same. It's not like my life has been a total delight. But something must be wrong, 'cause I feel...all right. Kazoo solo! (A kazoo solo commences) But now with my inator, I can be the same. My crisis will put all other crises to shame. But I'm tellin' ya now, that it's gonna be twice as Good as any Big gut suckin', sports car buyin', Self-deludin', comb-over tryin', Skinny jean-wearin', wrinkle denyin', Bucket listin', grey hair dyin' Existential mid-life crisis! Doofenshmirtz: So just let me get this thing charged up and we'll be on our way. (Doof puts on some shades and covers Perry's eyes and pushes the button and gets the chain.) Ready? (He puts the chain around his neck and gets electrocuted. Perry walks offscreen to get a defibrillator, but Doof comes to when Perry arrives.) Wow, I feel pretty energized! I wanna do something exciting and fun and...and also incredibly stupid! Come on, Perry the Platypus, let's go have an adventure. (As Doof walks off, Perry looks at the camera with a concerned look.) (At Nosh Olé, Mexican-Jewish Café.) Holly: Ginger, are you texting Baljeet again? Ginger: Yeah, we're at odds deciding what movie to see later. He wants to go to the one about that planet and I want to see the one with that guy. Adyson: Well, don't fight about it. Manipulate the situation! Holly: Manip-the-wha-? Adyson: (sighs) Okay, ladies, listen up. Pretend you don't care about your movie, but then hint that it's playing at the theatre next to the fro-yo place he likes. The seed is planted, and he'll think it's his idea to go there. Isabella: Hi, guys! Food's up! Aw, just think, this may be the last time I'm stuffing your faces before I'm off to school. (the phone rings) I got it, Mom! (to the girls) Anyway, enjoy! Gotta treat my Fireside Girl alums right. (she leaves) Ginger: Hey hey! Baljeet says okay to my movie! Adyson: Mm-hmm. Works every time. Gretchen: Where is Baljeet anyway? Ginger: Oh, he's over at Phineas's. Holly and Katie: Oh, Phineas... Gretchen: It's too bad Isabella and Phineas never got together. Holly: Yeah, I always thought they were meant for each other. Adyson: Look at her. Working so hard. (Isabella on the phone.) Isabella: Do we have chopped liver? What do you think this place is? Chopped li— Oh, that doesn't really work. (Back with the ladies.) Adyson: She doesn't have time to manipulate a situation where she and Phineas can get together. Milly: But we do! Adyson: (to Ginger) Hey, Speedy-Thumbs, text Lover Boy and tell those guys we have a plan to get Isabella and Phineas together! (In living room Ferb, Baljeet and Buford are eating sandwiches. Baljeet receives Ginger's text.) Buford: Ginger texting you again? Baljeet: Yes. The girls want to get Phineas and Isabella together. Buford: Wasn't that our idea? Baljeet: Yes, but now I've got to write her back in a passive way that makes her think it's really her idea. She is trying to manipulate the situation. (He takes another bite of his sandwich) It is how we love. (A black-haired Doof is having fun on a jet ski, following by Perry on a small motorboat.) Doofenshmirtz: Woo hoo hoo hoo! How's the dye job holding up, Perry the Platypus?! Isn't this great?! If I had known it was this much fun— (Doofenshmirtz smashes into sailboat.) Hey, this is one of those fancy sailing yachts! (Song: The Ballad of Badbeard (instrumental)) Doofenshmirtz: We could sail around the world in this thing! We could, we could visit exotic ports, fight pirates! We'd be like a couple of seafaring Huck Finns and the ocean would be our ho–! (The boat sinks, and Doof's black hair dye evaporates. He gets back up.) Or maybe we could wrestle some alligators! No, wait, even better, sports car! (He swims to shore, with Perry following.) (Nana Shapiro is about to mail a package when Phineas walks by) Phineas: Here, let me get that for you, Nana Shapiro. Nana Shapiro: Phineas Flynn! Oh, look at you, so tall and handsome! You're going to college I hear! Oh, how time flies. Where're you going to school? Phineas: I haven't really decided. Nana Shapiro: Isabella came over to say goodbye this morning. She's off to— Phineas: This morning? But her school doesn't start for two more weeks! Nana Shapiro: Oh, honey, didn't you know? She's leaving today! As soon as she's done with work. Something about needing to— Phineas: Today‽ But— Nana Shapiro: Phineas, look at me. If you have anything you need to say to her, you'd better go over to the restaurant and say it. Her summer's almost over. Phineas: (a pried pause) I— You're right. Thanks! (he runs off) Nana Shapiro: The restaurant is that way! (She points in the diction opposite of where Phineas ran) Phineas: Thanks again! (He runs off in the other direction) Part 2 (In the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.) Ginger: Isn't this fun? It's like when we were kids! Building stuff in Phineas and Ferb's backyard! Baljeet: We'll build the perfect dinner date for Isabella and Phineas. Their favorite food, music. Adyson: And when we get them to come back here and see it and each other, they're bound to fall madly in love like they were always meant to be! Ferb: You know, you can't force these things. Adyson: Oh, come on, we're girls! It's what we do! Gretchen: When they first walk in, we'll play the songs I put on this playlist. They're all about love, and it will trigger them to start thinking about love. Then we have these streamers and balloons in both of their favorite colors, which will stimulate the romantic centers of their brains making them think about love. Katie: What if it doesn't? Buford: Well, then, we have this sign. (He holds up a sign saying: "Think about love.") (At Sterling Auto Sales, Doofenshmirtz is trying out some sports cars.) Doofenshmirtz: Sure you don't have anything else that's more ridiculous or irresponsible? Salesman: Nope. This is as dumb as they come. Doofenshmirtz: All right! (he speeds off) Woohoo! Yeehaw! (Perry gets a worried look, as the car crashes and Doof returns with only the steering wheel.) So, what else ya got? Salesman: We've got another one just like it, but in yellow. Doofenshmirtz: (He gasps) Ya hear that?! It'll be like driving a really fast Ducky Momo! (In the kitchen Ginger and Adyson are cooking.) Buford: Oh, yeah, it's the perfect romantic setting out there! It'll be like love kicked 'em both in the face! Baljeet: Buford, the table looks great, but there is one thing that would make it perfect! (He produces Buford's cupid costume from behind his back.) Buford: No way! I'm not puttin' that stupid cupid costume on again! Baljeet: But it worked so well for me and Mishti! Ginger: (jealously) Hoo, Mishti, Mishti, Mishti! Adyson: Let it go, Ging. (Doofenshmirtz is riding his yellow sportscar downtown.) Doofenshmirtz: I think the turbo kicks in when it revs abo— (Perry gets another worried look on his face) Whoa! (The car speeds through an intersection and crashes into a dumpster.) Oh, oh! Oh, it's okay, we're fine! But we do seem to have picked up a passenger! I'll shake it loose up here at the turn. (Doofenshmirtz and Perry turn, while the dumpster continues on.) (At Nosh Olé the garbage can rolls past the building as Isabella and her mother say their goodbyes.) Vivian: Now drive safely, sweetheart. And call me when you get to school. Isabella: Okay, Mom. Vivian: I'm very proud of you! I will miss you so much! Isabella: I'll miss you, too, Mom! Vivian: Oh, I almost forgot! Your last paycheck! (Isabella squeals) Isabella: I love you! (chuckles) I'll call! (She gets her wallet out and something drops out of it.) Whoops. (She picks it up to reveal a picture of Phineas.) (Song: "What Might Have Been") Isabella: I wanted you to see me, But for so long, you were blind. Now it's time to face tomorrow, And leave all that stuff behind Of what would our lives have been like If you'd just given me a sign. 'Cause I like you more than every other Thing I like combined. I spent so many summers Hoping something would begin. I thought that I was over you, But here I am again. What might have been. (Phineas walks into the café.) Vivian: Phineas, honey, how are you? Phineas: Hi, Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro. Uh, is Isabella here? Vivian: Oh, no, sweetie, she's gone. Phineas: Gone, like driving-car-school-gone? Vivian: Yes, you just missed her. It's too bad you didn't get to see her off. You know, since you were kids, she's had a huge crush on you. Phineas: (he sighs) I wish I had known. (he leaves) Phineas: I can't believe that all this time, You never said a word . Although it's possible you did And I just never heard. I never even noticed. I guess I wasn't that alert. But I must say that, in retrospect, You were being quite overt. And now our endless summer Is finally coming to an end. I tried to make the most of every day, But now the years just seem misspent. What might have been. Isabella: I could've been your girlfriend. Phineas: I could've been your fella. We might've been an item. Isabella: They would've called us "Phinabella." Phineas: I would've held the door for you. I would've shared my umbrella. Isabella: You could've held my hair back, When I was sick with salmonella. (Other aged Isabllas and Buford as Cupid: Sick with salmonella. ) Isabella and Phineas: We could've been together. All you had to say was when. And though I wanted so much more, I guess you'll always be my friend. What might have been. What might have been. Isabella: (sighs) What might have been... (Back in the backyard.) Ginger: It's good, but... Baljeet: It's still missing something. (Ferb puts a vase on the table, and everyone compliments about how nice it looks.) Adyson: Alright, let's get 'em over here now. (she takes out her cell phone) Oh, wait, I don't have any charge. Gretchen: Oh, this is her old number. Ginger: Wait, where's my phone? (The dumpster from earlier goes through the gate and takes all the romantic dinner setup with it.) Baljeet: My phone's out in the car. Buford: I just got the 21G and the software won't be ready for two months. Baljeet: (he looks behind him) Um, guys? (All the girls look at the empty backyard.) Katie: Wow! Now it's exactly like it was when we were kids! (In an airplane, where Doof and Perry are about to skydive.) Doofenshmirtz: You know what would be really impulsive? If you and me went out and did a little evil, just the two of us. (Perry slaps him in the face.) Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Maybe I should just go hit on the cute jump instructor instead. (to the jump instructor) Hi there. Y-Y'know, one of the best things about being a successful scientist is that I get to meet lots of attractive women, such as yourself. Jump Instructor: You want to know the best part about being a jump instructor? Doofenshmirtz: What? (The jump instructor pushes him out of the plane. Perry tips his hat to her and follows him.) Doofenshmirtz: Aaaaaaaahhh!!! Hey, Perry the Platypus! (Perry opens Doof's parachute for him and then opens his own parachute.) Okay, Perry the Platypus, that is it! (he takes off his gold chain) This mid-life crisis isn't nearly as much fun as I thought it was going to be. From now on, I'm sticking with my predictable boring old life (Doofenshmirtz drops the chain) with my predictable boring old friends. Uh, uh, that reminds me, did you reserve the lanes for Thursday night? (Perry nods) (The falling chain ends up around Lawrence's neck, and he gets electrocuted. Inside Linda is at the kitchen reading a tablet. Lawrence approaches her with a rather exaggerated smile on his face.) Lawrence: Linda! I don't know what's come over me, but I'm starting to get the most wild and uninhibited ideas! You know how every day for the last twenty years I've relaxed with a nice cup of Earl Grey? Well, not today, Linda! Today, I'm putting out all the stops! Darjeeling! Linda: You... are a madman. (Phineas walks by the Garcia-Shapiro residence. He stops and stands there for a while. A Hightail Delivery truck drives past and Phineas sees Isabella sitting on the stoop of his house. He walks over to her.) Phineas: (to Isabella) Whatcha doin'? Heh heh. (Isabella looks up and smiles.) Phineas: Is this step taken? (He sits down next to her) Isabella: I actually came by to...say goodbye to you. Phineas: Off to school, huh? Isabella: Yeah. I'm going two weeks early because I'm an R.A., and in soccer, debate camp, student government... Phineas: Yeah. I haven't seen you all summer. Isabella: I've been busy. (beat) Phineas: You know, Baljeet said something funny. He said you had a crush on me back in grade school. Isabella: Oh. Yeah. I had a big crush on you. Phineas: Wow...I had no idea. Isabella: Really? I thought I was being so obvious! Phineas: Absolutely clueless. Sorry. Isabella: I sort of gave up when we got to high school. Phineas: Yeah... I think that's when I started to have a thing for you. (Isabella looks up in sudden realization.) (a beat) Isabella: Well, that's unfortunate timing. Phineas: Yep. You're off to college. Isabella: Tri-State State. Have you decided where you're going yet? Phineas: (gets out his letters) You know what? I just did. (He gives her one of the envelopes.) Isabella: Oh. Huh. Phineas: Hey, what's wro- Oh, shoot! (takes the letter from her) I'm sorry. Wrong letter. (He gives her the correct one.) (Song: "Danville for Niceness" (instrumental)) Isabella: Well, I guess I'll see you in two weeks. Phineas: Yes. Yes you will. (Applause is heard coming from Baljeet and the girls.) Adyson: It's about time! Baljeet: (laughs) We have been trying to get you two together all day! Phineas: You guys are the best! Buford: (dressed as cupid again) So what did I miss? Baljeet: It was as if love had kicked them both in the face! Buford: Yeah? Called it! Isabella: I'm going to miss you guys! (Isabella and Phineas hold each other's hands and embrace. Their smiles slowly fade, however, but then return as they both blush. Isabella walks up to her car and open's the driver's door.) Isabella: See ya. Phineas: In two weeks. Isabella: Eh, I've waited this long. (Isabella gets in her car and drives away.) Ferb: So, Tri-State State, huh? Good choice. (A car is heard honking. Wide shot to reveal Vanessa driving the yellow sports car Doof bought from earlier.) Vanessa: Hey, Ferbs, you ready? (Ferb gets in the passenger seat and hugs and kisses Vanessa.) Hi, Phineas! Phineas: Hi, Nessa! Where're you guys goin'? Vanessa: Oh, Ferb's takin' me out for Ukrainian food. Ferb: Can we drop you anywhere? Phineas: Hmm... as a matter of fact... (Vanessa pulls her car up next to Isabella's, who is stopped at a stoplight. Phineas gets out of the backseat and the music begins to swell dramatically.) Isabella: Phineas? (She gets out of the car) What are you doing? Phineas: This. (He kisses her, and she kisses back) Vanessa: I never knew she had a thing for him. Ferb: Seriously? Vanessa: (chuckles) Naw, I'm just messin' with you! Everyone knew! (She drives away with Ferb, leaving Phineas and Isabella alone.) Isabella: Well, that was worth the wait. Phineas: Yes. Yes it was. (They kiss again.) (Swampy takes off his glasses and begins to sob uncontrollably.) Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: (sobbing) I can't believe it! It seems like only yesterday we were drawing our first doodles of these kids on the place mats of that... Dan Povenmire: (consoling Swampy) Yeah, I, I know, it's a... It's a sweet episode. Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: Now they're, they're growing up... and going to college... Dan Povenmire: But it's... It is really... It's just a cartoon. Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: Why?! Dan Povenmire: Um... Y'know, I gotta thing. I'm gonna... I'm just gonna... (He gets up out his chair and leaves Swampy alone.) Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: They're growing up! End credits (During this, Swampy is still heard sobbing uncontrollably over the song.) Isabella: I could've been your girlfriend. Phineas: I could've been your fella. We might've been an item. Isabella: They would've called us "Phinabella." Phineas: I would've held the door for you. I would've shared my umbrella. Isabella: You could've held my hair back, When I was sick with salmonella. (Other aged Isabellas and Buford as Cupid: Sick with salmonella. ) Dan Povenmire: (offscreen) Oh, get a grip, Swampy! Category:Transcripts Category:A